I can waste days in a mental rut. When I allow my mind to run wild, I can think about one thing over and over until I’ve thought out every scenario, and replayed every feeling; digesting but never wholly and healthily processing – only meditating on the negative. I end up dreading every feeling I think I’m going to feel, simmering over everything I’ve felt thus far, and sifting through a magnified, depressed version of how I actually feel. When I say I lose days, I mean I get lethargic and “halfway” there. I don’t listen to other people because I’m too busy soaking in what’s wrong with me. I don’t have energy because I’m emotionally drained. I don’t work out. My productivity is minimal. It’s zombie life.
I am telling you all of that – how I come up with every scenario, replay every memory, analyze and reanalyze every word, and every feeling – to tell you this: I put God in a box. I think I know where I’m going based on past situations, and based on logical pathways that I’ve come up with myself. I think about the possibilities because I am trying to protect myself from any surprises. I want to preemptively plan what is going to unfold so that I won’t be hurt by anything. You can’t be hurt or surprised if you’ve already played it out in your mind. So I have all of these possible outcomes, and God, in a box. Honestly, the box I have God in is the box marked “test and try Brittany until she has reached perfection or is totally broken down in trying”; the box marked “the hard road”, “the long way around”.
I wanted the paint by numbers, but He will give me the Sistine chapel. I’ve fought and clawed, and cried and begged to keep that paint by numbers. I have been hell bent on getting what I wanted and fully convinced that nothing God would provide could be better than what I wanted. How foolish am I? How unwise am I to think that I know myself beyond what my maker knows of me? How unwise am I to forget that He withholds no good thing from those who love Him? How unwise am I to forget to remember that I am the clay and He is the potter. He is the crafter, the creator, the molder, and maker. He crafted my heart and knows it’s needs beyond what I can understand for myself.
I’ve been rejoicing over Proverbs 4 throughout the last couple of mornings.
Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life
Let your eyes look straight ahead, And your eyelids look right before you
Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established
Do not turn to the right or to the left; Remove your foot from evil”
Isaiah 43:18 reiterates this by saying “Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old” – look straight ahead.
I am convinced that He has me in a season of living in great expectation. A season of looking only at Him. Of having no expectation and no plan of my own except to commit my heart to being rooted in Him and His word every day. God wants to show me His faithfulness in a massive way. I can feel it. My eyes are fixed on Him; not on an imaginary future, not on a painful past, not on things that are prowling around me, but on Him. I am convinced that He is getting ready to blow me away. My expectation is high and my heart is full of anticipation. I know that He loves to marvel His people, His daughters especially, and I am looking at Him with the expectation of being marveled.
My days of zombie life are done.