I’m well overdue for a blog post, but life has obviously been a whirlwind. I drove across the country, started a new job, and a new life in the past two weeks. I had time to write down a little bit of it, but I’ll be posting a few sections over the next couple of days – some of it I wrote during, while most of it is retrospective. I know you all are just dyyyying with anticipation to get caught up, so here is my first post in a 4 part series about moving.
Yes, 4 part series. I have a series now.
I’m writing this half delirious and 100% exhausted, but what’s the point of this road trip if I’m not going to write about it? So I’m attempting to squeeze in a little post here and there as I travel out.
The week leading up to my impending departure and road trip to California has been a little weepy. My emotions were unfurled. I packed, sold, trashed, or donated everything I own. My roommate was out of town (in Hawaii no less), leaving me in the apartment alone to turn it into a chaotic disaster of various categories of semi organized piles, while simultaneously crying every few hours. In the midst of sorting through my life and deciding what stays and what was valuable enough to be selected to the coveted list to be packed into my little Volkswagen Jetta to make the cross country road trip, I had time to go through everything and really re-live the past (almost) 2 years. I was so vividly reminded of the road that has carried me to this point – the good, bad, and ugly.
I went through a 400 page journal that I wrote between the very end of my senior year of high school to my senior year of college. This journal literally hurts my heart to read because it carries me through every emotion I’ve had throughout the 7.5 year non-relationship. It also served as a reminder of how I’ve been dealing with the same cycle of emotions for that entire period, which left me even more baffled that I had allowed that cycle of passivity and complacency to last that long and get that far. It’s also 100% glorious to look back on and see how completely my heart has changed, and to be reminded that there was a me that existed that didn’t know Jesus. My life has been transformed, and I’m so thankful that I wrote it all down to have a reminder of how significant that change has been.
My weepy week was a mixture of joy for what lies ahead and mourning of what I was leaving behind. I am so joyful and expectant for the next chapter, and I’m beyond relieved at the physical ending of what I hope ends up being the hardest season of my life. At the same time, I am still mourning what I left behind, what I’m losing, what I’m opening up my hands and letting go of entirely. I have been listening to Bethel Music’s album “You Make Me Brave” non-stop for the past month, weeping with tears of joy, and tears of anger, literally within hours of each other (that album doe). This is a good place to add that I bought an 8 pack of brownies from the Publix bakery, and finished half of it within a few hours, as well as had Froyo almost every day……so many emotions.
One of my best friends got engaged and her relationship to a man who is also a dear friend, who leads them so well and intentionally, and who has loved and pursued her so patiently, also added to the pot of emotions I had brewing.
I met with my beloved mentor, who encouraged me in stepping out, affirmed enough to ease the letting go, and helped me to walk forward confidently, knowing that I don’t know all the answers yet but I will. She also, importantly, told me it’s ok that I’m a little angry with people, and with God, because it’s healthy, and everything that I feel needs to be processed. There are steps people, that’s a thing.
I got to go home and have a rare sweet and peaceful night with my family. Enjoy a sunset, sitting on a wrap around porch in the hills of Tennessee, laughing at my grandpa, smelling my momma’s cooking waft through the kitchen. I love how much they love me.
I had to say goodbye the world’s best friends.
I had to sell the world’s most perfect, princess cloud bed……………………………….
I had to face things I feared.
I had to see people I didn’t want to see.
It has been a weepy week. An emotionally exhausting week. But it’s been a good week. And I’m ready to go.