Being here is every bit as freeing as I anticipated but there is also a very real aspect of healing. The term “die to self” has ever been more real than it is for me now because I’m literally being stripped of the life that I imagined for myself. It’s like I’ve landed on Mars and everything I know has to evolve, but it doesn’t make me un-know those things. The life that I imagined is still embedded in me, and I’m training myself to un-think things, to un-want things. I literally don’t think about the future and don’t think about the past because it nearly makes me feel in a state of panic. I know the Lord only wants me focused on now. On dying to everything that I built up for myself in my mind. It’s like chunks of my heart are being carved out and left there to just stop beating, but I’m feeling every part of the “dying” process. It’s an emotional roller coaster, some days loving the place I’m in so much, and then some days only being able to think about what is in front of me at work, working out, cleaning, cooking, reading – the tangible things so that I can’t think about anything that I actually feel. Thinking about what I left in Atlanta isn’t as hard as thinking about the future that I wanted. As weird as that sounds, it’s the what I wanted, so much more than what I left, that is anchoring me to the ground some days in sadness. But I knew this would be a process. I knew there would be peaks and valleys. I knew this move was about healing, and cleansing my mind and heart of everything that was bad. Detox, from what I’ve read, is never an easy process, so why should this be any different?
Some days, I can just feel the emotional burden of being here weighing on my heart and I can just let myself cry and get it out of the way because thankfully, I still feel so anchored and strong in the Lord. I don’t feel discouraged when I’m feeling downtrodden because I know that isn’t the end result. I know it’s just a step on the ladder of healing. I know because of how long and drawn out the battles of my heart have been that whatever is waiting for me on the upswing is going to be tremendously wonderful. I know I won’t be disappointed, and I know the Lord has in store for me things that I could’ve never even dreamed up. It might look entirely different than the picture I had in my mind, but no part of me thinks that I’ll reach the end of my life think “I wish things would’ve happened my way”.
Sometimes writing this blog and talking so much about what I feel makes me feel like I’m being narcissistic and prideful. I’ve gotten so many emails and texts about people being encouraged, and relating to what I have to say, so I will keep doing this. Hopefully, being able to read and understand that someone else is going through the same kind of “process” will help other people work out and understand what they feel like they are going through alone. We all have different battles, and every single one of us feels like we are fighting them alone. It’s been such a challenge to be vulnerable, and really open up about how I feel, but unexpectedly, I know it’s encouraging at least a few people. It’s been incredible having people reach out and tell me how encouraged they are by these little blog posts. The Lord is so good in the fact that He can use something that seems so insignificant, for His good. Thank y’all for reading, and thank you thank you for letting me know you’re encouraged by something I wrote. It encourages me in return.